Great Seers and Rishis, Priests and philosophers propose the perfect little world is held deep inside; always present and accessible for our tapping into. But in this crazy era of productivity, options and distractions, we rarely take time to be still, to listen to our belly brain and connect with that something deeper that we all know exists. Instead, we often brand or categorize 'those' people and their deep work and profound insight as 'hokey' or weird. I know i did.
GOOD NEWS: A mere 6 hours drive will take you to a perfect, Utopic world. Kripalu was an ashram in the 60’s turned mainstream holistic health, yoga, wellness and retreat center of today. The mere lakeside, mountain setting will initiate an ‘ahhh,’ and set the stage for healing and rejuvenation. If that doesn’t do the trick, a little work from the inside out goes a long way. Try eating delicious organic food, practicing yoga several times daily (or enjoy any of their plethora of healthy workshops & activities), enjoying a massage and being in the presence of people that smile, glow and go with the flow.
I was there for a 10 day advanced teacher training on pranayama (breathwork). I arrived my calm on the exterior, but late and frantic on the inside self. I hurried to my dorm, picked a quiet upper bunk and rushed off to our first gathering. I had signed up for this program rather haphazardly, relying on my intuition in one of my late night fogs to direct my clicking SEND. All I knew was that my vigorous yoga practice wasn’t helping find me true stillness; I needed to explore the softer side of yoga. Little did I know this would be a phenomenal experience for me. Perhaps even life changing.
There is something delicious about entering a huge circle of 40 people and not knowing a soul. The joy of being a blank slate, anonymous and authentic is in and of itself a relief. At the helm of our deep study was Prem Shakti. A devout yogi for at least 40 years and deserving of a book of her own, she is pure love, pure experience and pure authenticity. For nine days, she guided us through a disciplined life of practice, eat, study, practice, eat, study, practice, eat, sleep. Each day was an unveiling of more richness, more depth and deeper connection within ourselves and among friends.
It’s funny (and often startling) what a true conscious effort at sitting around breathing and being in your body will do. Initially, its harder than it might seem to face your thoughts, your patterns, the messages and cues from your physical body, the subtle differences between true desire and habitual or learned tendencies and then, the practice starts to work.
There is space between thoughts and a perfect clarity that lies there. I feel moments of nothing and everything. I see the white screen behind that movie that is MY life. And I understand that it’s the same white screen that is behind everyone’s life. As it turns out, I know everyone in the circle. We are not separate. I came here believing that we can’t be disconnected from our source (insert your God here) but the stillness allowed my intellectual and energetic understanding of the world line up. I’ve never felt such consistent clarity and connection. Questions no longer arose because the answers were already there. The search was over.
Its well known in the yoga world that an extended period of concentrated breathing will put you on cloud nine. Prem warned us in the beginning that playing with Pranayama is like playing with fire. Its powerful and highly intoxicating. Being reduced from a human doing, to a mere human being in connection with truth sure does feel fantastic.
I’m 7 days away from that person. Integrating back into the relative world has been hard. I’m grasping to hold onto the connection through the piles of things to do and mountains of choices and over stimulation. At times I feel a little sad that it’s so hard to be disciplined, to do the one that that connects me to me. It’s all a vital lesson that my happiness is in my hands, but there are no quick fixes.
I decided this year that I wanted to a better human being. I’m not even sure what I meant by that intention, but I know I want to live life more fully, more compassionately and more present. I’ve impressed myself with my list of accomplishments and places I’ve been, but its time for a new depth, a richer journey back to my self and the source of divine that connects us all. - the perfect little world of Utopia DOES exist and its inside each and every one of us. For me, I first discovered her after months and months of travel, in the depths of India. Back then, it felt like the peeling back of a scab – the release of fresh, pink fresh life. I called it my ‘crust removal.’ This time, It may have taken the setting of Kriplau to re-discover it, but its alive and well inside and as I peel back the layers again, I realize that she’s always there and it has nothing to do with where I am in the world. Its about being still and breathing. I’ve opened doors that I didn’t know where there and connected to an intense bigness. Yoga is my vehicle. Anyone want a ride?
1 comment:
This account of such a beautiful and brave adventure into stillness compells me to share that recently, (in one of our less than glorious moments) my obnoxiously observant and insightful significant other accused me of being a "distraction junkie". He loosely defined a distraction junkie as an obsessive email checker who is unable to hold a conversation without simultaneously text messaging and considers their cell phones to be one of their vital organs.
Moi???, I thought. No way, no how.
But the seed had been planted and so in a moment of weakness I decided to test his unfair characterazation by challenging myself to take an hour long, solo car ride with NO distractions - phone out of sight, radio off, ipod unplugged, (we won't discuss my issue with text messaging while driving). Total silence for one hour.
While at first I was impressed and soothed by my zen experiment, within a couple of minutes minor agitation arose and quickly morphed into sheer panic. P-A-N-I-C. I can honestly say I was terrified. Of what, I do not know - the silence, my thoughts, my self. I can only say it was petrifying. Immediately I reached for the phone to call my sister and tell her what had just happened, I turned on the radio to see if anyone on NPR was discussing similar experiences and I flipped through my ipod desperately trying to find the perfect song to take me to a much happier mental place.
Upon relection I see there must be SO much hiding in there underneath my need for technological distractions and my inherently frantic nature. The idea of exploring stillness makes my hair stand on end, but there is some distant, familiar part of me that craves it deeply and quietly. I imagine that the road through stillness is probably the most harrowing, revealing and rewarding journey we can take. For me, it seems an unavoidable step on the path towards feeling more complete in this world.
How amazing and scary:)
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