Then & Now - Grief Over Time

an anonymous entry...

Six years ago i layed on a floor in the dark for my first savasana and having lost someone very close 2 months beforehand, i refused to handle the space i was given. I couldn't close my eyes as i knew i was walking the plank over a sea of grief i didn't even want to put my toes in.

I left the class sobbing and went home, sat on the edge of my tub, and cried like the life was being ripped out of my very soul. After a bit, i neatly put away my grief and went about my responsible day, tending to needs, ignoring my own and refusing to go back to that plank. swearing against it.

Almost 6 years later...when i am on the mat, I talk to her. I think about her, envision her, usually drinking coffee, maybe smoking a cigarette (because in heaven, smoking is actually good for you), and we catch up. We TALK and LAUGH with our heads back and well, chain smoke .lol. And as crazy as it seems, as imaginative as that may sound, its the time when I feel like I can let my guard down. (which i don't like to do very often). It feels authentically quiet. And I can allow myself to to swim around in that sea for a bit and feel ok. I look forward to this time and finally feel I can slow down and really connect. I think of her every day still, and feel a void that I might exist in my body until the day I die. However, there is peace in that.

Maybe its super weird, but its true. yoga for me, has been a way to move through grief, as I firmly believe there is literally, no way around it.

6 years ago, i lost a love in my life that i knew for a very long time in the flesh. 6 years ago i never knew the journey i would embark on. 6 years of attempting to breathe in savasana and finally feeling like sometimes, i ACTUALLY can. Most of the time I still like to stay away from that plank..most of the time i can close my eyes in savasana, but every now and then. i still have to keep my eyes open...maybe by year 12 i will be floating on back smiling up at heavens and waving a big 'rock on'..

That is the story of my mat. we all have one.