This entire weekend I layed around like a floppy piece of pasta. I stayed far away from my list, my computer, my phone and my offices. I took yoga like a student – walking in and walking so I could get back to my husband at home and a delicious breakfast of unknown scrambled together items. I perused magazines and let myself nap as the urge arose. I did things that were not priority or even necessary. In the middle of it all I had a breakdown of massive proportions presumably associated with the equally massive amount of guilt that started to float up around me when I realized how many things I was ‘neglecting.’ Instead of pulling myself together and making a list to find my way out of the pressure, I let myself wallow in it the emotional wave. Not in a dramatic way, but in an inquisitive and mindful way.
The moment eventually passed, like all moments do and a valuable revelation emerged. The overwhelming emotion was one of loss and fear. And really, but letting myself be floppy and 'lazy' I am losing something, or rather, shedding something. In that moment, I allowed a layer of myself that I perceive as ‘part of who I am,’ to fall away. I gave it permission to leave me alone, guilt free to be in the stillness of the weekend. I am not a ‘productive, obsessive self reliant person.’ Rather, I am a person that has days of wild productivity. And that same person can have days of utter laziness without it being a ‘lazy, unmotivated person.’
Sometimes it takes a breakdown to have a 'duh' moment.
This morning I slept until 11am (without feeling guilty).
1 comment:
This too seems to run rampant in my blood...guilt for lack of productivity...the rush of trying to make up for all I haven't accomplished if I am doing something "not quite" as important as the other things on my massive to-do list...
Thank you for your post...it's perfect...
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