My journaling changed a lot once I became a blogger. Having an audience will do that to you. Blogging forces you to spell check and use a thesaurus and if you're smart, cite your sources while gathering facts. As much as blogging allows you to simply put your thoughts "out there" you don't want to influence people without backing up your opinions, so a little time spent researching goes a long way when you blog. This type of commitment takes time and because of that my daily journal entries all but stopped about 5 years ago when I birthed my blog.Because of this I was excited to have a reason to pull out a leather bound journal and my favorite pen to explore my yoga practice more fully on paper. I thought the sentences would flow out of me, vinyasa style.
They haven't.
Instead my journal looks like this:
Day 1 / Jan 10th / Sol Yoga / 2-3 Class / 75 min / Hard. I'm sore.
Day 2 / Jan 11th / Sol Yoga / 1-2 Class / 75 min / Hard. I'm sore.
Day 3 / Jan 12th / Sol Yoga / 2-3 Class / 75 min / Damn. She kicked my ass.
Day 4 / Jan 13th / Sol Yoga / Gentle / 75 min / My body needed this. Why is my mind racing?
Day 4 / Jan 14th / Home / Meditation & Pranayma / 15 min / Did better than I expected.
Day 5 / Jan 15th / Hotel Room / Yoga & Meditation / 20 min / Crow Sucks. Fuck you crow.
Day 6 / Jan 16th / Sol Yoga / Flow n Go / 60 min / My balance sucks.
And no, my food journal isn't any better. Honestly it has pushed so many buttons, I'm actually afraid to keep one. But more about that in a future post.
It's as if there's a huge struggle right now between being in my head and being in my body. All this yoga is forcing me to be in my body, where as the journaling asks me to exit the body and return to my head to comment about my body and how the practice is affecting it. I'm feeling schizophrenic to say the least.
If I'm honest, it's making me angry. Or perhaps, I'm more in touch with an anger that's always there somewhere below the surface? Maybe that's a more accurate description. I can actually feel it rising and bubbling up with every heat building practice I attend. I'm not sure what this anger is or what it represents. Thus, it seems easier to simply document the yoga particulars of my day rather than spend too much time describing them.
Wait, that's not it. It seems safer. Or maybe smarter? Yes...smarter. Smarter to simply experience it, rather than talk about it because I'm not sure what "it" involves.
Because of this, for week two, I'm going to take my journal to class with me and experiment with jotting down words, ideas and thoughts during the practice, while I'm in my body. See if that makes a difference. See if that makes it easier to skim some of the emotions that are rising off the top. Maybe the studio is a safer space to explore these emotions?
The thing is - I know me too well. Anger is my "on ramp" to sadness. I need to be pissed off before I can weep. I tend to swear before I sob and bitch before I bawl. I think I know what's coming and that's what's keeping my pen from the page.
So if you see me at the back of class in balasana, weeping uncontrollably, just step over me. I'll be fine. It's all part of the process. This I know for sure.
My favorite quote comes from an intuitive I once met, named Joseph Aldo. He said, You'll know what you need to know when you need to know it. I literally live my life by this quote. I'll know what I need to know, when I need to know it - and not a moment before. Apparently I don't need to know right now. But if yoga has taught me anything it's that if I'm patient and I stay in the moment and take it one breath at a time - the big picture will reveal itself eventually.
Namaste,
Linda
**Ironically, picture taken from an article entitled, Diffusing Anger With Yoga.
4 comments:
This is a such a great post. Thank you, Linda. I too feel things bubbling below the surface that I know I will have to address in some capacity to get to the other side of 21 days. It's messy and a bit daunting:)
jeez. this is such a releif. i could not be angrier or more physically cranky. there are some serious things lying dormant in this body. i can see why people give up quickly on commitments that require self reflection, whether it be marriage, therapy, dieting or 21 days of yoga. i can enjoy the ride though, knowing its a pretty normal expereince.
I have been furious for days - and I just connected it with this challenge yesterday. I haven't even been concentrating on doing asanas everyday; my bottom line is meditation. I committed to meditating every day - that is the habit I am hoping to establish.
The anger must be part of the cleansing process - and probably meditating every day, not only when I feel like it, is accelerating this.
Nice to know I am not alone. Namaste.
Linda, I love and miss you. I commend your honesty-- I think it's better to be real about the fact that the epiphany just hasn't happened yet, rather than pretending you're somewhere that you're not. I feel this way all the time.
Love from PA,
Julie D.
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